STONE GROOVE RECORDS - SGD232B

©2017 Marax
℗2020 Stone Groove Records

Self-Injury Foreword by Eric Crowe:

Simply put, Self-Injury (SI) or mutilation, can be a way to cope with stressors in a persons life; at least it was my coping skill for a number of years off and on. It may not be a healthy coping skill, but I know it got me through some hard times. The earliest memories I have of SI were when I was 5 years of age; I would bite myself on the forearm and sometimes pull out small clumps of hair at a time. I would also hit myself in the head with my tiny fists and call myself names. As I grew so did my methods when times of frustration and / or depression would set in; slapping myself, punching myself and leaving huge bruises on my arms and legs, using a belt on my arms and back leaving huge welts and bruises. Hitting of some degree would always be warning signs that things were about to ramp up in things like burning with matches, lighters and putting cigarettes out on myself, cutting with razors, glass, pocketknives, staples, thumbtacks, whatever would do the trick. I would even pierce myself as a way to hurt myself. Cutting became my preferred method through the years, and still to this day are the scars visible on the inside of my left forearm.

Every mutilator has different reasons as to why they harm themselves, be it for self care afterward, or that they could hurt themselves better than anyone else, but they knew when to stop when others didn’t, be it with their actions or in their words. For me it was a moment to escape when the frustrations got too high and unbearable. But it also became a vicious cycle. I had multiple reasons myself, just depended on when and why I was cutting at the time. I would start to feel panicked and frustrations became too much, so I would think about cutting and needing that release. The need became cravings and I would finally have release at some point during the day, but then hiding it and the frustrations rolled back in soon after, beginning the cycle and pattern that would haunt me for years. In my 20s the cutting wasn’t giving me the same affect as I wanted, the endorphins wouldn’t rush like they once did, which caused me to further the severity of the self attacks and even began pondering the realm of breaking fingers, toes or my hand. As a safety precaution, I would always keep a razorblade in my wallet, kind of like break glass in case of emergency type of thing. One day I was at band practice and I forgot my wallet, and I was freaking out pretty bad. So I went to the bathroom and ended up punching a paper towel dispenser and in return getting a boxers fracture in my right hand, the pain was so intense I remember having tunnel vision and almost blacking out. Soon after is when I did the painting that became the cover for this release.

The painting itself was intended as a substitute for cutting, where I splattered red paint on the canvas but months later had the idea to build a frame around the canvas and nail razor blades to it. The catch or idea that appealed to me the most was this. That each and every razor had to cut me before it was nailed down. I began the project and then the tedious process of opening the razor, cutting myself, nailing down both sides, repeat, had begun. By the end of the process, it felt more like a chore to do all that cutting and would become what became to me as my farewell to cutting.